


Taco Hell

by japastiel



Series: étoiles dans les yeux [8]
Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Alcohol, Birthday, BlackIce, Crack, Drinking, Goldenfrost, Humor, M/M, blame etsy, jack's birthday, taco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-05 01:06:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/japastiel/pseuds/japastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Jack's birthday and Koz has to make something amazing and unique for him. But only after taking all the birthday Jagerbombs....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taco Hell

**Author's Note:**

> it is maybe ~~notatall~~ a conicidence that I'm posting this on my birthday. I feel at one with HDU Jack.

Koz leans Jack up against the door frame and fumbles his keys for the front door lock. They've both been drinking. Jack ordered a birthday shot for every year he's been alive, not a wise idea if you're turning 26.  
"Twenty four Jaeger-bombs. You're such a dumb ass" Koz muttered when the key finally clicked in and tumbled.

"Whateva old maan." Jack slid up the wood door frame and lurched forwards poking his finger into Koz's nose, "you were doin' shots too." Jack swiveled behind Koz messily snaking his arms around Koz's middle and twisting his slim hips and gracefully tripping every other step on their journey across their house. 

Jack hadn't noticed the giant box of tacos Koz dropped onto the kitchen counter under his keys and coat.

"Bed. Now."

Jack giggled, pulled at Koz's waistband and stumbled backwards, "Oh, yessir, general sir." He mock-saluted, waggled his eyebrows and promptly tripped over the carpet edge, falling flat onto his ass. 

Jack proceeded to crawl and roll around like a wet noodle before finding his feet and stumbling across the bedroom threshold. He managed to take his pants half-off and fell forward with only his head landing on the edge of the bed. 

"Bed!" he shouted into the bedspread, muffled by layers of blankets, flailing his arms around like he just won the lottery.

Koz rolled his eyes and tossed Jack's lower half onto the bed. "Sleep"

"Kay."

Koz eyed all the odd sculptures Jack had been making all over his desk in the corner. Candle wicks hollowed out and replaced with firecrackers. Plastic pumpkins with various items hanging out of drilled holes. The most odd was the pumpkin with hot-dog combo. Who were these for? 

Jack had discovered Etsy. And promptly decided he needed to create eccentric sculpture for a very small populous of people needing to purchase strange crap. Koz thought he had finally completely lost it when the infamous hot-dog-pumpkin had made its way into the entry way coat rack in October. Koz stopped questioning things when the slim jims were found threaded through various things. 

Tonight Koz decided he was going to make his very own odd sculpture. He creeped back into the Kitchen and opened the twelve pack of taco bell tacos. He arranged them all on the counter top and fetched the drill from under the sink. 

He fitted the best sized bit into drill and got to work when bleary-eyed Emily rounded the corner catching him pressing the drill into the first taco startling him and cracking the taco clean down the middle.  
"Fuc-dge!" Koz slurred, pulling the drill back.

Emily frowned. "Dad?" She looked between him and the cracked taco. 

He frowned, and waved his hands like gesturing to the taco with the drill cleared everything up. 

"What? Drilling a taco?" She smirked, holding back won't Jack be jealous. Because. Dad. Yeah, gross.

"You know all the crap Jack has been making for his Etsy shop?"

"Yeah, I helped him thread a super long slim-jim through a couple twinkies. And no I didn't think any further into it cause, gross." She frowned and shook the thoughts from her head. 

Koz wrinkled his nose. "Weird and gross." He nodded at the broken taco, "Well, I'm making a padlocked taco for him. Attempting to."

She widened her eyes through her fringe, "What-ever. You've finally cracked too."

"Hey, hey, I'm still your dad. I can make your life miserable young-lady." He unintentionally waved the drill towards her and quickly whipped it behind his back.

"Wait. You both went out for Jack's birthday," she leaned forwards and sniffed at him, "You are totally drunk. You're drunk. Drilling holes in taco bell crunchy tacos at 1AM."

She smirked, produced her phone from thin air and snapped a picture right as Koz lined up the drill to another taco, "Blackmail!" she sing-songed, "And where is twinkerbell?" she pocketed her phone. 

Koz looked un-amused while eyeing where the next hole should go, "I had one or two drinks with Jack, yes. He is asleep. And why even did you have your phone, I expect you will delete that photo immediately."

He pulled the drill trigger, cracking the taco in half again. "Shit."

Emily leaned onto the counter, "Might work better if you poke the hole first. With something else." She rustled kitchen drawers and returned with an ice pick and a couple small paring knives. 

"Hm," Koz considered, "that might be worth a try."

They both took tacos and went to work putting shackle-sized holes into them, while eating the cracked failures. Emily gave up most of the spoils to Koz. Finally, when they were sure the project would fail, the twelfth taco had been properly drilled and locked. 

Emily grinned. "Let me know how it goes, but I'm sure he will love it." She made the international finger-to-head-circle sign for crazy and shuffled back to bed as Koz plated the taco sculpture.

He flipped Jack's lamp on and poked him awake. "I got something for you." He plopped the locked taco plate in his lap.

"Wha-" Jack rubbed his eyes and looked down. He tilted his head to get a better look at the taco, "Did i miss something?" 

Koz shrugged.

"No seriously. What?" Jack picked up the taco gently cradling the heavy lock turning it over. "It's a locked taco?"

"Sure" Koz plopped onto the bed, leaning into Jack's lap.

"No, seriously am I supposed to do-" Jack reconsidered immediately, Koz could almost see the sarcasm thought light bulb go off over his head, "You made this? Well. That explains so much, you know-padlocks-chastity belts and being all prudish and stuff lately-whatever c'mere." he groped for Koz's crotch and had his hands swatted away. 

"Later Jack-ass." He leaned into Jack, brushing their noses together. "

Jack jerked back, "You smell like vodka and taco bell." He screwed his nose up "Ew. Maybe if you wanna get anywhere near all this," He gestured to his whole face, "Brush your teeth."

Koz looked offended, "Well you smell like a bar crawled in your mouth and died." And got up swaying into the bathroom, "Don't see me complaining. Picky picky blowing hot and cold..." he pulled out drawers and fumbled around for his toothbrush.

"Hey! I heard that! I can totally blow! Hot and cold! Get back in here and I can prove iiit!" Jack flailed his arms around pointing toward the bathroom door, "ALSO, How is that even possible? Bars cant crawl, or die. And even if it were possible, not even my mouth is that big." He giggled to himself and looked down at the taco. "How am I supposed to eat this. Koz. KOZ you LOCKED the taco."Realization of what he was holding in his lap dawning on him with a look of absolute horror. He moved the plate to the nightstand and stood up, and stumbled over to the bathroom doorframe completely worried and panicked that he may never get to enjoy his precious gift from Koz.  
"I can't eat a locked taco! It's locked! I can't eat the lock! You have to unlock my taco." Jack whined, sounding genuinely upset stumbling back to the nightstand to consider the taco.

Koz loaded up his toothbrush with enough toothpaste to nearly fill his whole mouth and got down to business. Before long even his fingers were coated in wet foamy soap. He hear Jack huffing about the taco in the bedroom and did the only sensible thing. He grabbed for his phone, conveniently still in his pants pocket and crept back around the door with the video already streaming, never mind the toothbrush and copious amounts of toothpaste foam dripping from his face.

Koz started whispering over the foam and brush into the phone, narrating in his most dignified voice "And here we have the rare drunken Jack." Jack flailed at the taco, ranting , "Where is the key? Why would you do this, I need to eat it!!"

"The drunken Jack, well, is a bit like a sea clam. Sea clam? Clam? Clam. He came out of his shell mell- millennial-millennia ago. only to find a plec-pleeeth-plethoria-fuck-it-whatever of booze. mostly vodka." 

Koz crept closer zooming in on Jack frowning at the taco, not catching that he was being filmed in his drunken taco-rage. "Koz. Koz. KOZ. It smells so GOOD you ASSHOLEee, unlock my taco. FINE! You know what,"  
Koz continued," and we see the drunken Jack here, introduced to the most interesting puzzling puzzle. puzzling puzzle? fuck." Koz tried to zoom closer to the taco, but only getting more toothpaste foam on his phone.

"This is probably the best taco I could ever have, and since I'm the best piece of ass you've ever had, I'm closing shop tonight. No sex." Jack fell onto the floor dramatically, draping his legs onto the bed, still not noticing Koz, less than ten feet away, still recording. Jack draped his legs apart as far as they would go, and then snapped them shut, banging his bare knees together, "My legs are locked just as locked as my taco is. And you locked it. Hear that?" Jack paused. "Those were my knees being closed together and will not be opened back up for business until you produce the key to unlock my taco you sneaky rat bastard!"

Koz stifled his giggle and continued, "It's a puzzling thing-ish. you know what, fuck it I made him a locked taco and he's such a dimwit when he's drunk he can't-"

Jack tilted his head back, widening his already bloodshot eyes, looking right at Koz in all his toothpaste frothy glory, goo-ing up his "-wait that's a phone and it's on and the red light there." Jack narrowed his eyes, but didn't move otherwise, holding his glare upside down. "Yep that one right there on the phone you've made super gross and are pointing right at me."

Koz looked equally guilty and daft, finally letting the toothbrush fall out of his mouth, "This one." He quickly hit the stop button and it chimed, closing the app.

"Yep, that one." Jack slipped forward crawling up from the carpet, impressively keeping his knees together as promised, hopping up for the phone Koz managed to hold just out of reach. "Gimmeee, you are such a dick. Gifting me a present I can't enjoy and then filming my pain!" 

"Fuck it!" Jack scaled Koz, legs wrapping around Koz's middle, pulling upwards off Koz's shoulders, scrambling upwards like a pissed off cat in a tree. "Gimme the phone!" Jack could feel the edges of the sticky phone with his fingers and-

"Shit! Jack I'm about to fall!" they both toppled to the ground with a loud thump, taking the plate and locked taco with them.

"Owwww," they both moaned in unison. 

"No! My taco! It's broken!" Jack cradled the mangled bits in his hands.

Koz rolled out from under Jack, rubbing his sore tailbone. 

"Well, you can eat it now?" 

Jack glared and stuffed most of the broken bits of taco, including the wrapper into his mouth. He smiled while chewing, "Totally the best taco ever in the history of tacos. Best. Ever. I knew you were trying to keep this perfect gem of a taco specimen from me." Jack started collecting the rest of the smashed taco from the carpet.

Koz yawned and wiped toothpaste foam across his face, "Tired. Time for sleep." Koz leaned back, and started wiggling his pants off when Jack lept forward wielding the last bits of mushed taco.

"Hah! Not quite you taco murderer!"

Before he could react, Koz had a face full of spiced meat and cheese and shredded lettuce hanging from his hair.

"That's for being a total dick," Jack waved his taco-meat covered finger into Koz's face, smearing more mush into his hair and down his nose "totally a dick move, locking my taco, it's my birthday and you give me a fucking locked taco, locks aren't the same thing as bows and ribbons and presents and then you make fun of me and then take pictures and i hope you fucking enjoy your taco motherfu-" and before he could finish his rant, he passed out, face-first into Koz's lap.

Koz groaned, wiped off what he could of the taco-mush and piled them into bed. Cleaning up in the morning, most likely with a killer hangover, was going to be a bitch. "Happy birthday Jack-ass."

**Author's Note:**

> this is the actual taco  
> [](https://www.etsy.com/listing/102524302/doritoslocos-taco-master-locked-shut-key)


End file.
